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Wanna know what it`s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
I don`t know how the law of averages works, but you`d think after 25yrs of marriage I`d be right at least once
Lil Wayne is 10% African-American and 90% tattoo.
That moment you realize that the person who proofread Hitler`s speeches was indeed a Grammar Nazi.
Mary, mary quit contrary, watched their garden thrive. The cops found seed of a very odd weed; Now they`s doing three to five.
The speed in which a woman says “nothing” when asked “what’s wrong” is inversely proportional to the severity of the sh!tstorm that’s coming.
I`m pretty sure the whole "ladies first" thing was created by a guy just to check out girls butts.
I`m late on the give thanks every day in November thing... so let me catch up. Days 1-22. I`m thankful for boobs
Helpful Tip : Never ask the cop to hold your beer while you dig out your drivers license.
I thought I`d try yoga to make myself more flexible, but I`m still incredibly stubborn.
There is only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water lying about being milk.
If the breakfast club took place now, all those kids would just be silently texting about their sh!tty Saturday & never make friends w/ each other.
I think my TV remote has developed some sort of Romulan cloaking technology.
everyone has that one crazy person in there family...but in my case everyone is just as crazy as i am!XD
Back in my day we had 9 planets.