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What is it about a car that makes people think we can’t see them pick their nose?
Have we considered putting Scooby Doo and the gang on the Malaysian airplane caper?
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night... In my defense I didn`t even know I was driving.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
My favorite drink is the fullest one on the table.
I’m hopelessly addicted to placebos ..I’d give them up, but it’d make no difference.
I solve all my problems by creating three new ones as distractions.
A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
I`m tired of people assuming I`ve got a good personality because I`m ugly.
I would be a great procrastinator ... if I could ever get around to it.
In my will, I´m giving $50 to anyone who wears a Scream costume to my funeral and doesn´t say a word.
There is nothing worse then trying to watch porn with a slow internet connection.
Found a note on my door today that said ”You’re Awesome!” ... Yes, I wrote it yesturday. But still, the truth is the truth.
I`m starting to wish I were a werewolf so I`d have a better reason for waking up nude in public with no memory of how I got there.
Don`t understand how you can forget about someone you loved so much. Like that time my mum drove off and left me in the supermarket car park