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I once tried sniffing coke, but the ice cubes kept getting stuck up my nose.
Honey, your haters are imaginary. No one wants to be you. I promise.
woman belong in the kitchen? thats where the knives are you fool.
When a cop asks you, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" It is never a good idea to respond, "Because my tires look like donuts?"
I never give money to bums because a.) They probably make more money than I do. b.) They work from home. c.) They get to drink on the job.
Accidentally walking through the camping aisle at Target every once in a while is about as outdoorsy as I get.
If tomatoes are a fruit, then ketchup is a smoothie.
They said I couldn`t drink or operate machinery on my medication. But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss`s car…
A friend came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them.
If you`re not employed by the Secret Service, there is absolutely no reason to have a Bluetooth on your ear.
Tonight I’m going to have my favorite drink. It’s called “a lot.”
Yes, I streaked once on a dare ... all the rest of the times though were just for fun
I wish bedtime was all the time.
I didn’t say “what?” because I can’t hear you. I was giving you a chance to change what you said.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on for awhile.