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It`s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
I took a poll recently, and 100% of strippers were angry they had nothing to dance on.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I`ve never been more scared of a drink in all my life.
Never give up on your dreams, keep sleeping.
I made a salad with red wine vinaigrette only I left out the vinegar and the oil and ok it`s just lettuce with wine all over it. Anyhoo, I`m drunk.
OK I`ve stumbled out of bed and made it to the computer- and another Facebook day begins!
Waiter, bring me a bowl of turtle soup and make it snappy.
If there’s one thing that I’ve learned it’s, that I should have learned way more than one thing.
i like cake. and thats all for today goodbye :)
Being sick is your bodies way of saying “Hey, you really need to catch up on some TV”.
You know what the trouble with jogging is...by the time you realize you`re not in shape for it, it`s too far to walk back.
I had a wet dream about you last night. Yeah, I was drowning you in a lake.
Pro tip: “Hold my drink” is not a proper response to “License and registration, please.” … apparently.
I have tonight off so if anyone’s free let’s go somewhere and look at our phones together.
HR says I`m not allowed to scream "OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP" when I walk through the front door at work anymore :(