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Drinking doesn’t make me post better Facebook statuses; it simply makes me not care what you think of them…
For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.
I would leave my house a LOT more if I could take the couch with me and wear my pajamas.
Sorry, I can`t hangout. My uncle`s cousin`s sister in law`s best friend`s insurance agent`s roommate`s pet goldfish drowned. It was tragic.
Not remembering where I set my drink down must be the same feeling parents have when they lose their four year old at the mall.
I DON`T NEED ANYONE OR ANYTHING!!! (Except for Louie...the name I`ve given this meatball sub.)
People are obsessed with the front seat of the car but when you get in a bus, you go straight to the back
My friends says that I spend too much time talking to random people online. What do you guys think?
It`s not paranoia if they really are out to get you.
It`s funny how many people I have in my phones contact list who all have the same name Do Not Answer.
What do we want? An end to auto-correct errors! When do we want it? Cow! Sow! Bow! Tow! Duck this...
Don’t expect a “bless you” after the 4th sneeze…get your self together
Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious
Plumber: you have hard water. Me: you mean like ice?
If a cop ever asks me to count from 100 backwards ...I just get in the back seat