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Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus.
The secret to eternal life and happiness could be hidden in the Terms & Conditions and we would never know.
I hate to sound racist, but.. all of your baby ultrasounds look the same.
Not sure if my dog is barking for no reason or I’m about to be murdered.
that moment when somebody calls your house phone and ask where you are
Walmart: the only place on Earth you can get a haircut, eye exam, ice cream sandwich, tires for your car, and witness a real life "what not to wear" episode.
Don’t piss off old people. The older they get, the less ‘life in prison’ is a deterrent.
I saw a lady with twins babies. One had a shirt that said ‘Copy’ the other ‘Paste’. That made my day.
Saw a bug crawling on my arm and my reaction can only be described as “grabbing for swirling dollars inside a plexiglas Cash Cube.”
Actions speak louder than passive aggressive Facebook statuses.
If you go to dinner alone always ask for a table for two. Look sad as you eat and you will almost always get a free dessert
i used to like you but thanks to facebook i now know how boring u are
A real friend is someone who knows how damn crazy you are... But is still willing to be seen out in public with you.
I don`t know what your problem is, but I`ll bet it`s hard to pronounce.
Every store should have one line for people who have their sh!t together.