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Ended a relationship today. Don`t worry, it wasn`t mine.
If there is no chocolate in heaven...I AM NOT GOING!
SCIENCE FACT: If you close your eyes, you won`t be able to see.
Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks, “why don’t you eat all the food?”
Rubix cubes are EASY....when you`re color blind.
My phone just changed, `calendar` to `cake radar` and now I really wish I had that.
I would leave my house a LOT more if I could take the couch with me and wear my pajamas.
I like to make up words just to keep my auto correct in check.
Life in the fast lane ? Heck, I live in oncoming traffic.
This Christmas, if you plan on jingling, please jingle ALL the way. Nobody likes or respects a half a$$ jingler.
Congratulations India on successfully orbiting a probe around Mars. I assume you`ll be opening call centers on the red planet and using fake Martian names now?
Male camel toe? Dude that`s just nuts.
Peeing in the sink is a great time saver: no lifting the seat, no flush, sink is right there to wash hands jk I don`t wash my hands.
Ohio - High in the middle, and round at the ends.
When I go into a bar I shout out "YOU CHEATING WHORE!" Whoever turns around is who I`m buying drinks for.