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Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, "Please wear."
It’s always awkward the first time you hold hands with someone because they usually want to know who you are and why you just grabbed them.
Opposites attract, that’s the trouble with being awesome.
What do you call a dog with no hind legs? Dragon Balls.
You know you’re awesome when you know you’re awesome.
We can`t cure cancer, diabetes or PMS, but we have 10 different pills to make a mans happy place bigger.
Babe, you look Hot! Is your air conditioner broken?
I met a girl who told me that she broke up with her last boyfriend because he just didn`t work out. Which is when I knew, she wasn`t the one for me, as I hate to work out as well.
Cops don’t like it when they tell you to put your hands up in the air...then you wave them like you just don’t care.
I`m optimistic that within my lifetime it will become acceptable to wear your underwear to the supermarket.
If you can make a woman laugh, you`re almost there. If you`re almost there & she laughs, now that`s a different thing.
It`s always darkest before the dawn. So if you`re going steal your neighbor`s newspaper that`s be the time to do it.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house, but that fly is dead.
When my dog sniffs another dog’s poop I can only assume that it’s their equivalent to checking a friend’s facebook page.