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That moment when you realize your children have your twisted sense of humor...And you don`t know whether to be proud or scared.
Oh you better not pout. You better not cry. You better not shout I`m telling you why. Nobody gives a f*ck.
I love my car. Without it, I would not be where I am today.
On the outside, I`m smiling...because on the inside, I`m imagining beating you senseless with Hulk Smash Hands.
Unless its inappropriately, don`t f*cking touch me.
It’s impossible to bring up life insurance with your spouse without it seeming like you plan to have them whacked.
If your significant other is mad at you, put a cape on them and say "Now you`re super mad!" If they laugh marry them.
It`s only a 4 way stop if each driver can read
I have an alcohol problem, in that I can`t afford any.
One day, people are gonna write songs about the nap I`m about to take.
It`s bad luck to be superstitious.
I`m just saying it might be a good idea for Liam Neeson`s to take his family members to the vet and get them microchipped.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower. But I`ll be telling everyone it`s from having sex while skydiving.
your status deserves a standing ovation but I`m lazy I`ll just click `like`
I`m living in a drama-free bubble today. Respect the bubble, people, respect it!