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I have decided to stop doing things "Like a Boss" and will now do things "Like a Rhinestone Cowboy."
Someday, I hope to be so rich that I`ll never be happy again.
I think my guardian angel drinks.
Heat causes things to expand, so I`m not fat; I`m just hot.
So what if I`m single now ... I mean it can`t be that hard to boil toast, can it?
There is a method to my madness….and as soon as I figure out what the hell it is, I’m gonna be friggin’ unstoppable
Saw a bird sh*t on my car, so I ate scrambled eggs on my front step, just to show him what I`m capable of.
Instead of sending people to jail, we should just make them eat the stringy things off bananas..
My insomnia is getting worse. I was wide awake all day at work yesterday.
I’m not implying you’re stupid. I’m saying it outright. Here, I wrote it in crayon to help you understand.
The cop at your front door is never a stripper when you want them to be.
I just made my first snow angel!! ... Ok fine.. I got bored, got drunk and then passed out in the snow, whatever!
Several years ago Facebook came in to our lives forever changing our ability to judge each other from our couches.
Square box. Round pizza. Triangle slices. I`m Confused.
"Oh!Look The Smurfs Grew Up!"Grandma those are Avatars." -_-