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Teenage girls hang out in odd numbered groups because they literally can`t even.
The statement ‘Hey! Calm down!’ has a zero to no success rate of getting someone to calm down.
Yes, I know how to shut up. I just don´t know when.
I had a Dr. appointment this morning. He asked me how many beers I drink. I held out my hand and said this one is only my 4th, I`ll call you back later with the total.
I`m not a control freak. I just know what`s best...for everyone.
I love you more than I hate everyone else.
I’m exhausted just thinking of everything I have to do.
My wife and I decided not to have children. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
I saw a baby wearing a bib that said, “This dumbass put my cape on backwards”
Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.
If I had to describe myself with one word it would be "Doesn`t understand directions".
Do you ever start writing a status and half way through you’re just like… nah
The longer I`m left unattended in the Drs office the more tongue depressors I can lick and put back in the jar..... Just sayin
I just fell down the stairs holding a guitar and accidentally wrote a One Direction song.
Dear McDonalds cashier, Don`t give me that look, there`s no age limit on a happy meal. Sincerely, don`t forget the toy b!tch.