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Restaurant Advertisement: We serve food as HOT as your neighbour’s wife; And beer as COLD as your own. :)
You will never be happier than a girl who just discovered her dress has pockets.
The ultimate act of trust is buying your spouse a gun, and then showing them the correct way to use it.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee is when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
My girlfriend told me to grow a pear… What the hell does fruit have to do with killing this spider?
That awkward moment when you open a fortune cookie and all you get is some vague, cryptic statement that`s not even a fortune.
If I`m guilty of anything, it`s loving too much. And several outstanding speeding tickets. But mostly loving too much.
How can I trust you when you keep running away every time I untie you?
Why is it called a menstrual calendar and not a flow chart?
A great thing about being single is never having to erase your history tab.
You ever notice that the number of extra steps a drunk takes getting home? ...its staggering!
When I get married I plan on introducing my spouse as my ex-fiancé just to mess with people.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they`ll fill your antidepressants faster.
roses are red violets are blue da shit in my back yard looks jus like you
People who weigh their produce. What`s it like to have all the time in the world?