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I won`t be impressed with technology until I can download food.
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle
Please accept this bundle of fragrant plants grown expressly to be killed while in their prime as a token of my love for you.
I can`t believe that it`s almost the year 2014 and I still have to bend down to pick stuff up.
When in doubt, take a nap.
I took a pic of my self a few days ago. Now I`m playing with it. Yeah...I`m playing with my selfie.
I enjoy going to costume parties that have a theme. ..."Nude Beach" is my personal favorite.
The difference between cheating on your wife and cheating on your taxes is if you tell the truth, the IRS still wants to f*ck you.
It should be socially acceptable to end any boring conversation by shouting "UNSUBSCRIBE!"
After midnight, clowns aren`t funny.
I`ve been on a diet for 2 weeks and all I`ve lost is 14 days.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Have you ever noticed that the & symbol looks like a guy dragging his butt across the floor?
If cats could text you back, they wouldn`t.
Is it just me, or would those movies had been far scarier if they were titled "Monday the 13th"