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Ladies: We leave the toilet seat up because we don`t want to touch it any more than you do.
I didn`t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach the cookies.
If I wasn`t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn`t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
"Try to score a goal. Don`t use your hands. See you afterwards." - Soccer coaches
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don`t know who`s winning
Just about the time I started to give a crap, my attitude became constipated......
Still hoping that one day I get to ride a kayak while it’s strapped to the top of someone’s car.
Kid, I can take you out the same way I brought you into this world, by making it look like an accident.
If I look tired at the end of the day, it`s because I just spent eight solid hours looking busy.
I`m so bitchy right now ... I won`t even talk to myself!!
If you`re going to walk a mile in my shoes, could you pick me up some booze on your way back?
Today`s the day I like to sneak onto the intercom at Walmart and say "would Jason Voorhees please report to aisle 13."
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
If zombies attack the world, everyone will run and hide. Except for us gamers, of course. We`ve been waiting for this all our lives!
Sometimes I listen to strangers conversations and mentally give my opinion