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I’m having fruit salad for dinner. Well, it’s mostly grapes actually. Okay, all grapes. Fermented grapes. Ok, I’m having wine for dinner.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
I heard an ex got run down by a bus today. I thought "Wow, that could have been me!" But then, I can`t drive a bus..
As a child, you dream of adventure, travel & success. As an adult, a lot of the time, you just hope the toilet flushes.
Marriage tip: Don`t
So in between the 4 seconds that I missed your call and managed to call ya back, you`ve fallen off the face of the earth?
Aren`t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know...The birth of Santa
Someday you may lose your hair, you may lose your teeth, your money and even lose your mind. But one thing you will never lose – your good looks, coz you can never lose what you don’t have!
My talent is being wasted, if that counts as a talent.
I did a half hour on the treadmill each day last week. This week, I`m up to 1 hour a day. I`m slowly building up to actually turning it on some time in the future.
Sometimes I watch sports holding an xbox controller just to screw with my girlfriend`s head...
One day id like to have a brand new Iphone like the lady in front of me with the food stamps.
Couldn`t stay awake sitting on the couch, so I laid down in bed to make sure I wouldn`t fall asleep
Son, you don`t get anything in life without trying hard and working for it. Now be quiet, there about to announce the lottery results...
All I`m saying is there`s a reason all the best love songs have the word crazy in them.