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Admit it at some point in your life you have tried to close the fridge slowly to see when the light goes out...
So vegetarians eat vegetables... I think I`m going to play it safe and avoid humanitarians.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though.
You think your life is bad? I’ve got that “Five dollar foot long” song stuck in my head
A true man is one who leaves his wife alone in cold weather and goes to watch football.
If you can`t remember my name, just say `donuts`.... I`ll turn around and look.
Make your day more fun by going up to a stranger and asking "Hey, how have you been since the amnesia?"
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen.
Dwjxdjdhjfrjfjhrha! Sorry--you will get a more coherent status update AFTER I`ve had my coffee!
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave your house.
I always find the "easy-open tab" right after I finally manage to tear the package open with my teeth.
Still waiting on the "Once you go black, you`ll never go back" episode of Mythbusters.
Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets??
Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on?