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Remember the days when water was free and you had to pay for porn?
I saved someone`s life today. Well, I resisted the urge to strangle the life out of some idiot. That`s the same thing, right?
One of the first things they tell you in AA is to stop hanging around alcoholics. So I listened, and never went back.
You know something bad is about to happen when someone says "Hold my beer and watch this."
Money can`t buy you happiness, but it does give you the ability to rent it until you die.
It`s actually pretty impressive how many poor decisions I can fit in a day.
If you eat it in the car before you get home, it never existed.
Back in my day, we didn’t have Instagram. We had to bore people in person with photo albums.
Me:"I had a dream about you." Girlfriend:"Awwwwww." Me:"Yeah, you died."
Wouldn`t it be awesome if MTV had a show called "16 and Applying to Colleges"
boss- "You cant drink while your at work!" .. me- "Oh dont worry im not working!!"
I get in this weird mood where I don’t want to talk to anybody and just want to be left alone. I call this mood ‘Awake’
If it`s the thought that counts ... Then I should probably be in jail
When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, "Yes, we`ve met before." So they feel awkward trying to remember me
I’m glad to know that we will never have to worry about a lack of weathermen. I mean, I know at least a couple dozen on Facebook.