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A zip line but from the sofa to the fridge
If you can`t handle me at my worst...I don`t blame you, neither can I.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Facebook. So sadly, this will be my last joke….. in which I talk about having a wife.
Dear alcohol we had a deal where you were supposed to make me cool, sexy, charming and a great dancer........I seen a video......we need to talk.
Please accept this bundle of fragrant plants grown expressly to be killed while in their prime as a token of my love for you.
I’m tired of things costing money.
I`m available if anyone needs me to ruin a good thing before it even starts.
If there was an award for most pessimistic, I probably wouldn’t even be nominated.
If I notice an unfinished jigsaw puzzle at some`s house, I always take a piece home with me.
This chick I met last week says she wants a guy who is `funny and spontaneous`, yet when I tap on the kitchen window uninvited late at night dressed as a clown it`s all pantic and screaming.
When I get bored I go to a car dealership and ask the salesman to lay in the trunk so I can "see how many I`ll be able to fit"
If you no longer know what day of the week it is, it’s time to get a job.
In the morning there`s a huge difference between 6:00 and 6:05.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
If you didn’t want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn’t have advertised your birthday with balloons & banner on your mailbox.