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I never know the proper etiquette with the pizza delivery guy. Do I kiss him before or after paying him?
When they say: "Wow, you`re really photogenic." What they mean: "Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are."
www.amish.com. How did this happen?
I`ve been told my posts are too depressing but what does it matter. We`ll all be dead soon anyway.
You can`t find happiness at the bottom of a beer ... Well no kidding, who is happy when their beer runs out?
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Ever seen a person so disgusting you hold your breath when you walk by them? Yea I have.
I won’t come to your party unless you have an animal I can spend the whole time hanging out with.
I just awesomed all over the place.
Its not you, it`s how you don`t make me sandwiches.
Save the US Postal Service. Have the Jehovah Witness and Mormons deliver the mail.
Every snack you make, every meal you bake, every bite you take, I`ll be watching you. - Dog
I swear, if one more person calls me an alcoholic they are getting a high five too.
How easily you`re offended is directly proportional to how dumb you are.
Have you ever loved someone so much, you wanted to keep them hidden from the world and all to yourself? Well, apparently its called kidnapping