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I just attempted to wash a paper plate if you wonder how much money I have available.
Thanks to Facebook i now know what everyones bathroom looks like.
Its a shame I don`t have 5 incomes to go with my 5 personalities.. Damn free loaders
The Never Ending Story should`ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Dear life, I`ve had enough bullsh!t to last a while. Can we take a little break please.
How many HA’s equal a LOL? How about a LMAO? Is there a conversion chart somewhere?
A guy at work calls me "Partner" and another guy calls me "Chief". Apparently we`re playing Cowboys and Indians and I`m a double agent.
Live For Today… Plan For Tomorrow… Party Tonight!
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny sh!t.
Good morning friends … Wait … what the hell m I doing up this early?
This may be the wine talking but help he’s drinking me, he’s drinking me.
I don`t feel like folding the laundry, so I just restart the dryer
Setting the alarm clock proves I`m capable of making the same mistake every day.
I woke up early this morning with the strange desire to get up and exercise. Fortunately I rolled over and closed my eyes really tight and the feeling went away.
A morning text from me doesn`t mean "good morning". It means "I`m having very dirty thoughts about you right now".