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Last night I dreamed I was eating a giant marshmallow. When I woke up in the morning, my pillow was gone...
There`s a certain age where you can no longer use the term "Good girl gone bad". It`s more like "Her old a$$ should know better"
One man`s girlfriend is another man`s password.
I wish I had a dollar for every dollar I don`t have.
When a woman says, "I`m NOT crazy" *clapping her palms together per syllable* That`s universal for, "You`re going to die."
There are two types of people in this world: people who pee in the shower and liars.
It`s so hot I have my air condition set on bankruptcy.
Sometimes Google should just come back with an answer that says, `Trust me, you don`t want to know.`
I can`t remember if I have any repressed memories.
Sometimes I sit and wonder what the world would be like if I wasn`t awesome ... That would be scary.
At the urinal, please keep your eyes forward and your conversations limited to weather, sports or beer.
ok ladies quick question?,say a guy wanted to wear a thong does he tuck shirt in or out? Asking for a friend.
I try not to laugh at my own jokes. But we all know I`m hilarious.
When someone says "everything happens for a reason" I`d like to smack them and say "yeah, I guess you`re right"
Going to the skate park to watch people fall.