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I left work in slow motion but it didn’t blow up behind me.
I would watch NASCAR if hot wheels designed the tracks.
Wanted: Magic hat for a snowman
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
I have the same thought when I watch horror flicks as when I watch my wedding videos. I should have known who the psycho was much sooner.
You know you`re getting old when bending over is a one-way trip.
Sometimes I like to hold the door for people who are far away so they feel obligated to run just a little. ;)
Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on again?
I`m pretty sure there`s a chip in my car that turns all traffic lights RED...
They say a dog park is a great place to pick up girls. I don`t have a dog so I am walking around with a bag of poop so I won`t look weird.
Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
I don’t care what women say, size matters in bed. The bigger the bed the more room you have to move around.
I love you Mario, but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
I think I`m going to run for political office, so people can dig up dirt on me. I have been wanting to piece together my twenties.