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Maybe early risers just aren’t as awesome at sleeping as I am.
What`s the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller" ?
*Gets absolutely nothing done*… Welp time for a break.
I almost got raped in jail last night. My family takes Monopoly very seriously.
Just once...one time; can`t we buy a tree that doesn`t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
The awkward moment when you set something down for a second and it disappears off the face of the earth.
I`ll call it a smartphone the day I yell "Where`s my phone?" and it yells "Down here! In the couch cushions!"
If your phone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice. At night the rice will attract Asians who will fix your phone for you.
Just had a fight with my alarm clock. It wanted me to wake up, I disagreed. Things got violent. Now the alarm clock is broken and I`m wide awake. Not sure who won.
"Spring Ahead" this weekend for Daylight Saving Time proves there is a much quicker way than Facebook to lose an hour in your life....
Im thinking, The best part about sitting down at the computer for a minute and making a status message like this is that by the time you`ve finished reading it and taking a minute out of your day you`ll have a brand sense of enlightenment and awareness that you never had before once you realize that there is absolutely no point to this post whatsoever.
Some people wonder why I never like or comment on their posts. It’s because I unfollowed you a long time ago.
My friend thinks he`s so smart. He said onions are the only food that can make you cry. So I threw a coconut at his face.
I didn`t come here to make friends. I go to the cat shelter for that.
Whoever made up the saying "It`s the thought that counts" never got a pair of crocs for Christmas.