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I get in this weird mood where I don`t want to talk to anybody and just want to be left alone. I call this mood `Awake`
United States is where moms get a day and shark get a whole week.
If your ever wondering who your real friends are all you have to do is delete your facebook account for about week without saying anything and see who calls
I hate people that don’t know the difference between “your” and “you’re”. Their so stupid…….
Lord, it`s me... Can you close your eyes for a couple minutes while I deal with a slight problem?
Procrastination is a dish best served eventually.
Your a$$ must be jealous everytime sh*t comes out of your mouth.
If I`m guilty of anything, it`s loving too much. And several outstanding speeding tickets. But mostly loving too much.
I would have a girlfriend but finding someone who likes to be ignored is hard.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
A female mantis kills the male after sex. That used to seem cruel, but now that I`m married with kids I think the male mantis gets off easy.
You know what they say about men with big feet ;)..........We always have trouble finding shoes that fit.
Whoever said "What goes around, comes around", never passed around a bag of Doritos......................
Sometimes all you need is a hug or someone to tell you everything will be ok, or some rough sex or whatever...
Filling out a job application. Under "Military Experience" I put that I once went commando for 4 days in a row.