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I love running my fingers through my girlfriend`s hair. It`s also a great way to let her know we`re out of napkins.
One man`s trash is another man`s profile picture.
Hi can you fill this prescription please? Sir this is just a post-it note with `give me the good stuff` written on it.
People treat New Year’s like some sort of life changing event. If your life sucks today, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
I just apologized to my wife for something she did wrong. Marriage is fun.
Never send in a beer to do the work of a tequila shot.
When I`m in a bathroom stall, please don`t yell "Oh my God oh my God there`s a guy in here!" Respect my privacy.
Some mornings it`s best just to fill the sink with coffee, dunk you head in, and suck.
This stupid lady is taking forever using her damn coupons for her groceries. All these rolls of pennies are heavy! Hurry up!
I was about to do something awesome, again, but I told myself “Enough is enough, that’s plenty of awesome for one day”
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
What am I doing with the rest of my life? I don`t even know what I`m doing with the rest of this post...
Every so often you come across a person who always smiles no matter what, that person is the reason why random bitch slaps should be a thing
My dance moves are somewhere between “dog being shocked by an electric fence” and “squirrel crossing the road.”