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As a kid, i was afraid of the dark. Now as an adult, I love the dark because I am terrified of the electrical bill.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and a crappy party host.
You know its bad when you feel like your life is being directed by Quentin Tarantino.
We look like we are being productive, but really, we are just talking sh!t about co-workers and how drunk we got last weekend.
I`ve decided that I`m an ass man. Don`t get me wrong, horses are beautiful. They just aren`t as cute as donkeys.
Some people think I`m quiet, others wish I was.
I was all ears until you said something that sounded like advice.
The pizza guy just said "see u tomorrow" ...
If you`ve never actually got dressed, got in your car & pretended to drive "to work" to get a chick to leave your house then you`re not me.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells "CODE RED, CODE RED" really loud then people scurry like mad.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service, it`s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Key to a Happy Life: Get a job where people ask, “You actually get paid for doing this?”
You never know what you have until you clean your room.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Alcohol is never the answer, unless the question is, "why were you barely conscious on the kitchen floor eating dog food?"