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I need me a pretty girl with an ugly girl personality
I just saw a giant spider in my room so I sprayed it with hairspray. It`s not dead, but its hair looks fabulous.
Everybody says waking up at 5 in the morning to exercise makes you feel great but I think lying in bed for another 2 hours feels better.
Our office just got a new conference table. It sleeps 20.
I go to a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
I wouldn`t be surprised if my kids think the phrase "goddamn douchebag" means someone who pulls out in front of your car without signaling.
I don`t understand fat homeless people. What are you eating? Broken hopes and dreams?
It’s been close to a million years since I exaggerated about anything.
I go into Best Buy and ask "Where are your most expensive yet least guarded items?" Then someone is always nearby when I have questions.
My New Year’s resolution is to save enough to buy a Velcro wall ... I plan on sticking to it.
Once in a while, someone amazing will come into your life. And here I am!
Paintball is much more fun when the other people at Walmart don’t know we are playing.
To calculate the average number of times a guy has sex per week, multiply the number of fantasy football leagues he`s in by the number zero.
Shoplifting is just undocumented shopping.