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Well kids, texting wasn`t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You had to click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Beer and a 44 magnum with an everclear shot makes everything good like Nintendo
Tattoos are like potato chips. You can`t have just one.
Going back to work after 12 days off is the best way to realize I should have married for money.
My wife asked me if I knew her favorite flower was. Apparently "Gold Medal All Purpose" was not the correct response
I`m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
I didn`t get drunk enough last night, I can still remember working.
My shrink says if I take these pills I won`t see you guys anymore.
Think about how much more stressful life’s most stressful moments would be if accompanied by the running-out-of-time music in Mario Bros.
The heart wants what the heart wants. *opens 12th beer*
Spiderman is just another guy who ends up with sticky hands and covered in white stuff after being on the web.
Show some cleavage on bad hair days.
In the trailer for the fourth Transformers movie a guy says "what the hell is that" when a Transformer approaches. THE FOURTH MOVIE!
Stop leaving me messages. If I ever wanted to talk to you again, I wouldn’t have borrowed all that money.
You shouldn`t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.