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Whoever named the seesaw probably didn’t get another chance to name stuff.
My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don`t run into anyone you know
From 8am until 12pm, my job basically pays me to think about what I am going to have for lunch.
Dear children, when you look under your bed, what exactly are you planning to do when you find me? Sincerely, The Monster.
Apparently you have to go to the gym more than once to get in shape, what the hell.
I`m super lazy today! Which is like normal lazy, but I`m also wearing a cape.
Doing absolutely nothing on the weekends has started to feel more fun than actually going out.
My neighbors don`t appreciate it when I skip along the property line, singing "This Land is My Land."
Billion Dollar Idea: An app that deletes your phone number from other people`s phones.
Can only please one person a day. Today isn’t your day
Just found out my daughter`s super power is repeating what I`ve said about others as soon as she meets them.
Marriage lets you annoy one special person for the rest of your life.
Whenever I feel all alone in the world, I remind myself that I`m a valued customer at several grocery stores.
Seeking one night stand. I might need two though, I do have a lot of books.
I must have drank more than I thought last weekend...there`s an entire hour that I don`t remember!