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Is it too early for extra nog in my egg?
I didn`t get your text (phrase) - I got your text, I was just too lazy to respond.
I hope I die alone. I mean, you`d have to be a pretty big jerk to hope others die with you.
Whenever I weigh myself, I always subtract 10 pounds. I don`t think boobs, brains, and an ass this fabulous should count against me.
My 2017 resolution is to stop thinking so much about the future.
I bet Snowmen think it`s weird that the ground is completely covered in their skin.
Most computer problems are caused by a loose nut between the chair and the keyboard.
The leading cause of divorce ? ... marriage
I want to grow my own food but I can`t find any bacon seeds.
Mondays are middle finger approved
Some people should use a glue stick for lip balm
Just once I want to see a car with one woman sticker and twelve cat stickers.
I can`t afford to go on vacation these days,so I just drink until I don`t know where the duck I am or how I got there.
Just because I`m nodding my head at appropriate times while you`re talking doesn`t mean I give a sh!t about what you`re saying..
Found a note on my door today that said ”You’re Awesome!” ... Yes, I wrote it yesturday. But still, the truth is the truth.