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In the morning instead of having coffee and reading my horoscope, I have coffee and unfriend anyone who posts their horoscope.
Admit it, you should be doing something else really important right now but your on Facebook again.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles and pay to walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
I don`t hit the "Like" button on my own statuses because I am self-centered, it`s just that I amaze myself sometimes and I want to show my appreciation!!!!!!
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from.
My friends and I played fantasy football in high-school. No league, we just constantly thought about the cheerleaders.
Remember this when you are drunk: You can`t fall off the floor.
If Olympic drinking was an event I would probably take gold in the floor routine.
Maths teacher: If you have 12 chocolates and you give 5 to Mary, 3 to Claire and 2 to Elizabeth then what will you get? Me: 3 new girlfriends.
I slept on the sofa last night which is weird because I`m not even married.
North Korea no!, really, go home! now you are really drunk!
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific
I`m so in Debt, I could start a Government.
I`m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
My Facebook account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.