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My superpower is making people laugh ... Which would be great if I was trying to be funny
"You have the right to remain silent so as not to incriminate yourself." ~5th Amendment, understood by nobody on Facebook.
Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, nudity, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.
It`s amazing how many people are diagnosed with a disease as soon as there`s a pill available for it.
I hope to get to the point in my life where I’m not excited about finding change on the ground.
Trying to achieve the perfect erection. How hard could it be?
Whatever “Estimated Time of Arrival” on the GPS. Challenge accepted.
Marriage is supposed to be permanent. It`s like a tattoo that yells at you.
A gay man is just one colonoscopy away from foreplay
I`d care more about your feelings if they came with a toy and chicken nuggets.
My grocery cart right now says ” I’m getting drunk and doing laundry tonight!” And also. “I like fruit.”
The only thing my girlfriend blows is everything out of proportion.
That weirdo that comes into bars and tries to sell roses would make a lot more money if he sold tacos.
Kids maybe a gift..... But I like playing with the box it came in.
So there`s a t.v. show called, It`s Me or the Dog?.. I was disappointed to find out its not a game show where people guess who farted