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I laid awake all night again worrying about why I’m always so tired.
I noticed the toilet roll incorrectly installed in your selfie.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and a crappy party host.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I`ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
I`m glad the guy who came up with "No means no" didn`t do the whole dictionary
We need to DETACH from all this technology and live life in the moment. Sent from my iPhone
I am used but in good condition.
Guys you should never overreact when you hear the words, " The babysitter is late."
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said "No, thank you"
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
If you get excited that jumping on the bed won`t spill the wineglass on the other side, you`re probably an alcoholic.
Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the “ABCs” in my head to remember which letter comes next.
There`s nothing more terrifying than accidentally making eye contact with a mall kiosk worker.
One way to find out if you`re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you`re young, if they panic, you`re old.
Life is to short ... to waste time matching socks.