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Why do baby clothes have pockets?
I don`t always say `oops`, but when I do, it`s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
I fell asleep at the wheel last weekend. My pottery was ruined.
Iām beginning to think that I buy bananas just to watch them die a slow death in my kitchen.
Cashier: "Would you like to donate to charity today or are you a giant piece of sh!t?"
Hugh Hefner dead at age 91. With the amount of Viagra that guy must have been taking, good luck closing that casket lid.
The guy who named the "chimichanga" should be given more authority to name things.
This recliner and I go way back.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That`s how this works.
When you turn 21, you can legally do all the things you`ve been doing since you were 15.
I was chasing my dreams, but I tripped over reality and busted my head on the truth.
Pretty busy today. Was only able to check my phone 1400 times.
Give a man a beer and he wastes an hour, teach him how to brew, and he wastes a lifetime.
Due to political correctness issues, "Krazy Glue" will now be known as "Mental Disorder Glue."
My dog is eating. I`m sitting next to her, staring intently at her, making her obviously uncomfortable. Yeah, how`s THAT feel, mutt?