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common sense is like deodrant. the people who need it thr most never use it.
Stairs are like rock climbing after a bottle of vodka.
It`s called PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
I`ve been told that I never take responsibility for anything, and it`s all your fault.
Screw getting an alarm system. I`ve seen Home Alone, I know what to do.
It`s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you`ve reached your destination.
DRINK BEER SAVE WATER..www.godrunk.com
Of course morning sex is better. You haven`t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Dogs love you even if you’re ugly.
Step 1: remove food from packaging Step 2: dig packaging out of trash to locate cook time
"My name will live forever!" - Anonymous.
When you say "9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans." All I hear is "there`s a bear out there that knows how to use matches."
Everyone loved Jack-in-the-box as kids. Now I`m older, I like mine in the bottle
That`s it!! I`m never drinking again until tomorrow.
Do you think people will start blaming auto correct for there marriages breaking down?