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Everything you paid $50,000 to learn in college is now on the Internet for free.
If I had a time machine, I’d probably just use it so I wouldn’t have to throw out so many bananas.
One of the greatest things about owning a dog is how happy they are to see you even though you just stepped out of the house for 30 seconds.
Damn girl, are you a Snickers bar, because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly hard and ... hold on, are those nuts?
Sorry I yelled "April Fool`s" while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
The problem with working from home is the absence of sexual harassment.
Everyone can stop painting. We all have cameras that can take perfect pictures of everything.
I am a very very very bad influence ... In a good way.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service, it`s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
12 year olds having sex ? Im sorry when i was 12 i was to afraid to pull my foreskin back incase my d*ck fell out.
I believe that every person has a story to tell...which is why I stay at home.
Ringing in the “New Year” apparently is not a valid excuse for showing up to work 3 hours late… in October.
Can I just drop it like it’s luke warm? It’s been a long day and I’m tired.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Not a day goes by when I don`t try to use The Force.