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Beheaded our snowman to let winter know we mean business.
Never trust anyone who says “Im not supposed to tell anyone but”
Nice try Jehovah’s Witnesses but dressing up like cops and telling me you have a warrant is not going to get me to open my door.
Take mentos and freeze into ice cubes. Put the ice cubes in your friend’s drink. After five minutes their drink will randomly explode.
Life is like a box of chocolates and you`re on a diet so you can`t even enjoy it.
Hi, im _____ but you could call me sexy.
I can’t believe it’s 2012 and there is still no fold button on my dryer.
Most of you like waking up in the morning to see the "comments" and "likes" that your status received. I like waking up in the morning to see WTF I posted!
Leaving your window open for an hour and the cast from f*cking Bugs Life decided to start producing their second movie.
Facebook.. reminds me a lot of high school. Full of alcohol, drugs, jealousy, sexual frustration and a bunch of boobs I`ll never get to touch.
Do transformers have health insurance or car insurance???
It really pisses me off when I plan a conversation in my head and the other person doesn’t follow the damn script.
Masturbating in front of your partner in the hope that she’ll join does not always work. And people on the bus stare at you.
3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier`s face: Priceless!:D
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.