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What`s a burnt pizza, frozen beer & a pregnant girl have in common? There was a DUMBASS who didn`t take it out in time.
Any of you girls wanna come over tonight for pizza and sex? ... I`m just kidding. There`s no pizza.
I`d swim across the ocean for you.. Lol, Just kidding. There`s f*cking sharks in there.
My internet went down for about 5 minutes earlier....so I talked to my family.....they seem like nice people!
If you have a dog grooming business and it’s not called “Doggie Style” then something is wrong with you.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out...you have issues bro
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
I bet it’s pretty hard at a mime’s funeral to figure out when the moment of silence is over.
Life really is all down-hill once you get to big too ride in the shopping cart
I think I might be bisexual. Because last night I had sex by myself.
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
When we were kids, we didn`t have Pokemon Go. If we wanted to look for things that weren`t there, we would get stoned like normal people.
If you tell people you used to weigh 500 pounds they`ll tell you how great you look at 250.
From now on when I accept a friend request I`ll just write on their wall: You belong to me now.
I think a clear conscience is really just memory loss.