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"You go girl" - asking my girlfriend to move out, but sassy like
I put my phone on Airplane Mode and now I can`t find it...
Have you ever noticed the irony behind “hyphenated” and “non-hyphenated”?
Tattoos are an expensive and a painful way to guarantee that the police can make a positive identification
I could write an entire book on excuses... but I have to drop my dog off at the airport.
How come the voices inside of a crazy person`s head never say shit like "hey, go to the gym" or "hey, cure cancer" or "hey, don`t be crazy"?
Putting a light in the refrigerator is God`s way of telling us that it`s okay to eat before going to bed.
You know what would make this Vodka & cranberry better? The Bahamas.
Drunk me would really appreciate a light switch on the floor.
Its all fun and games until someone drinks the beer with the cigarette butts in it..
My buddy told me he was going to Beerfest this weekend, I asked him where, he said "any bar I walk into!!!"
I dont even bother filling out the "From" field on gift tags during xmas. One look at the wrap job, and its VERY obvious.
Why is it when you take a break from Facebook everyone assumes you`re happy and in love ... Maybe I was in jail.
Im convinced that one day we will all live in the future.
You call it reckless driving, I call it searching for my lighter.