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Sometimes my neighbors love my music so much that they invite the police to listen.
You call it being sober. I call it on my way to the liquor store.
99% sure my soulmate is a piece of pizza.
Gentlemen may not be extinct, but they are definitely endangered
Thanks to the State Farm commercial now I want a Falcon.
Ever have to poop and your abdominals start to relax just as you near the toilet, and then you notice that `Out of Order` sign or the empty toilet paper dispenser?
I try not to laugh at my own jokes… but we all know I’m Hilarious.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body. Some people are capable of getting on every last one of them.
I put a bumper sticker that says "Honk if You Think I`m Sexy" on my car. Then I wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
My living room is pretty much a fat camp without rules.
loves poetry, long walks and poking dead things with a stick.
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Rejected Olympic Events: Javelin Catch... Jello Shotput... Border Fencing... Cardboard Boxing... Menstrual Cycling... Salad Tossing... Wrestling Demons...
If your bf/gf tries to start a fight with you just say, "Please. Not during Toyotathon."
Calling out your ex`s name during sex is a nice way to show your current lover that you won`t forget them after you break up.