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Sometimes I wonder if that kid in the Dreamworks logo has caught the fish yet.
Babysitters are just teenagers who behave like adults so that adults can go out and behave like teenagers.
By the time someone says something in the meeting worth writing down, I`ve likely already taken my pen apart and lost the spring.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we`re married & live together so I`d have to see them every day.
My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I`m married now and that`s where I sleep.
If there were "Box Tops for Education" on cases of beer, my kid`s school would be rich.
If jail isn`t supposed to be fun, why do they get bunk beds?
The funny moment when a fat kid says "that`s how I roll".
Famous words from Fergie... "Boom Boom Pow!" Happy 4th of July!!
Shout-out to nature for not giving wings to snakes
I can`t believe that it`s the year 2012, and I still have to bend down to pick stuff up.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying "get a load of this guy" every time someone walked in
Lightning is like God`s way of saying "Get out of that tree you pervert!"
drinks well with others.
There is nothing like sitting naked in a beanbag chair eating Cheetos. I hope they let me back in Walmart.