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Hey, if anyone needs help raising their kids, come talk to me. I`ve been one for 30 some years now.
If I was a mortician I`d tie the shoe laces of dead people together, so if there ever was a zombie apocalypse it would be hilarious.
For every bad idea you have, I’m always there to tell you…I’m in.
Like this if you can’t think of a clever status either.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns ... It`s a play on words.
Have you ever laughed so hard that no sound comes out and you sit there clapping your hands like a retarded seal?
Paying bills is fun and easy when you have a bottle of wine and a shredder.
Valentine’s Day is in 4 days so if you are secretly in love with me I suggest you reveal it now.
You know you’re ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.
So much to do and so few alibis.
When someone shows you they don`t want to be a part of your life, let them go. I`m not saying you can`t make a voodoo doll of them, though.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags! She must be losing it! Who threatens someone with a vacation?
October is breasts cancer month. I stare because I care.
Hello? HP? I’d like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet but you sent me a printer.
I`m not ignoring your calls, I just love my ringtone.