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I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Please don`t hastag out loud...
I`ll be back before you can pronounce actillimandataquerin altosapaoyabayadoondib ab!
Men are like dogs. We`re excited to see you, and we have no idea what you`re mad about.
The cool thing about The Clapper is it doubles as a strobe light during s@x.
I don`t want to set the world on fire........just you.
I am losing Facebook friends at an alarming rate. Whatever it is that I said, is working like a charm.
You can`t always control who walks in to your life but you can control which window to throw them out.
i just caught a disease so rare that even i dont have it .
If I`ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it`s that everyone speaks English after they die.
i only drink on days that end with y
When someone walks away from me shaking their head, I totally agree.
Give a man a beer and he wastes an hour, teach him how to brew, and he wastes a lifetime.
Some days you just can`t get home to your liquor fast enough
LSD makes users lose weight ... That makes sense. It`s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there`s a dragon guarding it.