Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I`m like a kid in a candy store. I can`t afford anything.
Only in math problems you can buy 60 watermelons and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I have to like you. Go on, I`ll wait.
Women can brutally and methodically destroy your life. But they let you see their tits along the way so it`s totally cool.
I don`t believe in karma, but I do believe in punching people in the face.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
I`m a responsible person. People are always saying "I know you`re responsible for this."
I`ve just invented an invisibility cloak; anything under it is rendered completely invisible. I`m still working out the kinks; you can still see the cloak itself
So I`m giving up drinking. Hard liquor. On Wednesdays. In June. Next year. (Maybe.)
Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
A wise man once told me `Never sleep with your a$$ itching.. You`ll wake up with smelly fingers`
Good rule of thumb: if you see an adult riding a children’s bicycle, you’re probably in a bad neighborhood.
I`m a firm believer that if something takes 10 minutes to cook on 200 degrees then it should only take 5 minutes to cook on 400 degrees
They don`t say "Get down Mr. President" anymore. Now they just shout, "Donald Duck!"
I don`t have a drinking problem........I just celebrate everything!!! Like the fact that I have pants on, I`ll be celebrating that tonight.