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DUI attorneys should buy some ad space on those Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Memories of you make me look forward to alzheimers.
Tequila... cuz the bed isn`t goin to spin itself!
Started a new exercise routine yesterday. So far I`ve only missed one day.
The key to any successful marriage is separate TVs.
While most people are becoming older and wiser, I´m becoming older and better at making stuff up as I go along.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he`s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you’re probably really hot.
All I heard was, " I swear it`ll be funny" and then we were in jail.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour must be the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 month olds
I`m not the type of person you want to put on speaker during a phone conversation.
I dig, she digs, he digs, they dig, we dig. its not a good poem but its really deep.
Why can`t someone look at me the same way I look at pizza?
A stress ball, made of concrete, and to throw at the person who`s stressing you out.
Going through the dealership lot with the salesman, pointing at every car and asking, "what kinda robot does that one turn into?"