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Just for fun, next time you see a snooty, rich woman at the grocery store, ask her if she works there.
What would I do if I won the lottery? Make Charlie Sheen look like an amateur.
Let`s party like there`s no tomorrow and call in sick if there is one.
"That wasn`t chicken in the Chow Mein" I`d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
I`m placing myself in "time-out" until I`m able to play nice with others! This may take a few hours as there are stupid people everywhere!
You said you wanted my advice, but I see you haven’t f*cked off or died yet.
Clapping: Repeatedly high-fiving yourself for someone else`s accomplishments.
The bad news is I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. The good news is I no longer give a crap.
Note to Self: Wearing headphones do not make my farts silent.
Can`t we all just hit a bong?
People who say "I hate to bother you" need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
10 million people share the same birthday as you. Your personalized horoscope means sh!t.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
If House of Cards has taught me anything it’s that I need a friend who owns a rib place.
Wow comma I just realized if I tap the microphone on my keyboard I don`t have to type out my statuses anymore exclamation point