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If you try and don´t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made us dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
People treat New Year’s like some sort of life changing event. If your life sucks today, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow ... Just sayin
I want to give up coffee, but I`d hate to do that to my coworkers.
That moment when you put your pants on, take a few steps, and feel something crawling down your leg! You grab it on the outside so it doesn`t crawl any further....and then you sigh in relief and thank God the dryer sheet doesn`t bite!
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle
My favorite beer is the next one.
My doctor told me, "DON`T mix this medicine with alcohol or you could wake up somewhere naked with a monkey on your arm." CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
A person soon learns how little they know when a child begins to ask questions.
I hope my last words aren’t “What does this thing do?”
I think I`m the drunkest person at this bed bath and beyond.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant - you can only hide it for so long.
I`m confused by this "It`s 5 o`clock somewhere" statement. Bars open at 11. Idiots.
You can get away with farting at the zoo because you can always blame the animals...
If you love someone, set them free. If they don’t come back, text them when you’re drunk.