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My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" ...I sent it anyways.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
All the guys in working out photos look like they`re straining or in pain, but there`s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy. Just saying.
Why do prostitutes charge per hour? I mean, what are we supposed to do for the other 57 minutes?
I prefer to be crazy and happy rather than normal and bitter......
I`ll be back before you can pronounce actillimandataquerin altosapaoyabayadoondib ab!
I accidentally called 911, so I set my house on fire so I wouldn`t look stupid.
Found out today you`re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at the waffle house... just trying to help.
Next time you see someone you don`t like, begin conversation with "I see the assassins have failed."
I wish hangovers and orgasms could swap durations.
if truth is what u want...in return alcohol is all I want...
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you don`t know the man & he doesn`t know you`re eating his popcorn
1) Go to Starbucks 2) Order coffee 3) Tell them your name is Waldo 4) Leave
I try not to brag but I`m really quite good at Yoga. I`m not flexible or anything but I am a master of that "Empty Your Mind" part
Boobs make me forget about all the bad things in the world.