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Snakes are terrifying because they can`t trip and fall over sh!t. No creature should possess such power.
This is a test of the emergency broadcast system. Were this to be an actual emergency you’d be screwed, because no one takes this seriously.
Never judge a book by it`s movie.
I can’t wait to be ashamed of what I do this weekend.
I could be a morning person if morning happened after 11.
“Check that sh!t out” luckily rarely refers to actual sh!t.
Safe words are for quitters.
I`m a multi-taking procrastinator. I can put off all kinds of things all at once.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
I react to "Someone has tagged a photo of you..." in the same way I react to a doctor saying, "Your test results came back..."
Man I wanna throw a book at someones face and be like "I Facebooked you!"
Just once I`d like to see a stripper do the "Carlton" on stage.
"in other news… it turns out being mayor of Toronto is all that its cracked up to be" - George T. Ignace
I got Mood Poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
My 5 year plan is to watch Netflix. All of it.