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Don`t date guys from the internet. The last guy said he lived in a gated community. Prison, he meant prison.
Happy Saturday… the day you can put as much booze into your coffee as you’d like to put in on Monday.
Drinking doesn’t make me post better Facebook statuses; it simply makes me not care what you think of them…
Live in the moment. Unless the moment sucks. Then live on Facebook.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school] "It doesn`t matter if its a dog, it`s still called a cat scan"
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
What if aliens only abduct crazy people, because nobody will ever believe them?
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Here`s to ignoring our real problems and getting outraged about something on the internet.
I am finally old enough to realize my father was right, but now my kids think I am wrong.
I`d publish my autobiography but it`s just a bunch of liquor stained pages filled with doodles, and rants about stupid people.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed a bottle of food coloring. The doctor says I`m OK, but I feel like I`ve dyed a little inside.
I`m at that "licking peanutbutter off a spoon" time to go grocery shopping point....
When it comes to speaking Spanish I know the essentials. "Taco, nacho, burrito, cheeto, frito & no comprendo."
A Whoopee cushion filled with gravy adds a hilarious new dimension to a rather tiresome practical joke.