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I feel like I could give a great NBA locker room speech. "Guys, we`re all millionaires, none of this matters."
Ran out of post-it notes, now I don`t know how to remind myself to buy more.
I`m 28 years old, but in marriage years, I`m dead on the inside.
Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug
Did you know that if you put a finger in your ear and scratch, it sounds like Pacman.
Stumbled into bed late last night. "You`re drunk," she said. "AND, you live next door."
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that`s older than you.
Never tell a lie ... unless it is absolutely convenient
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that sh!t means but at least they`re not talking to you anymore.
If the people in horror movies would just listen to me, they would still be alive!
My wife is a sex object. Every time I want to have sex, she’ll object.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang - So I shot him..
I wonder if I´ll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without first pointing it at myself and saying "THERES ONE." -same guy, you`re british.
I`m not the kind of guy to distance himself from anything... Far from it.
Not to brag, but I still owe Blockbuster $2.00 for not rewinding Weekend at Bernies.