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Just dropped part of a cookie into my printer, so I hit "copy"
Yes, I know why you pulled me over. I didn`t see you in your little hiding spot over there, so I couldn`t slow down in time.
I´m not lazy, I´m just highly motivated not to do anything.
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, `13...13....13...13.` The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on. Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick. Then they all started shouting. `14...14...14...14....
I like my relationships like I like my eggs: over easy.
Why do people say “nice to meet you” before I’ve even said anything? How do you know it’s nice to meet me? I’m a jerk.
The fact that Pitbul is even considered a musician is more disgusting than the fact that toothpaste was invented years after french kissing was.
I honestly have a fear that one day I`ll leave my house and not be wearing any pants!
I got a free wallet and watch today. It`s like this gun is magic.
I know its true love when I like you even when I`m sober.
This relationship is going to be weird if you keep pretending I`m not your boyfriend.
My penis was in the Guinness book of World Records. Then the librarian told me I had to take it out before she called security.
Never be mean to nerds. You never know, one day you might be working for them!
It`s not a real hangover until you bring a pillow into the bathroom.
I know you’re supposed to have 3 balanced meals a day, but how many can I have at night?