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People need to stop putting flyers on my car. I don`t want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse"
If you think this status is funny someone you hate will step on a lego.
Texting "Good Morning, Beautiful" will change a girl`s whole day. If you time it right, it will do the same for her boyfriend.
I can`t wait to get one of those self-driving cars to watch my wife argue with it.
She asked me for time and distance. I guess she wants to calculate velocity.
Drinking doesn’t make me post better Facebook statuses; it simply makes me not care what you think of them…
Parents: Where are you going at this time of the night all dressed up like a slut? Daughter: To the bathroom, I need a new Facebook picture.
My wife gives me sound advice. 99% sound. 1% advice.
I`m in big trouble if my coworkers find out I don`t really have Tourette`s.
Sometimes it`s easy to forget we would all violently murder each other if we couldn`t obtain basic food or water. Have a great day guys.
The internet has made me so ADD. Started off googling "how to replace a timing belt" ended up watching a video on how to milk a camel.
I`m flattered that you took time out from your lack of a life to judge mine.
If turning alcohol into bad decisions ever becomes an Olympic event, I`m bringin` home the Gold! USA! USA!
Okay I`m going to workout. Should I post about it now or after I`m done?
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V "Tuesday"