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Woke up with morning wood but she wouldn`t!
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public,...Why don`t you ever smile in my pictures?
People who live in glass houses should not throw orgies
Mondays aren`t so bad... it`s my job that sucks.
I know you`re supposed to have 3 balanced meals a day, but how many can I have at night?
I don’t care if we don’t talk, your existence still pisses me off.
Talk to me long enough and you`ll realize why I`m single.
Why do people ask "what the hell were you thinking"? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it.
is it too late to wrap myself up like a baby and drop myself off on a billionaire’s doorstep
Don`t blame me, I was born awesome ;)
Never look directly at the people having a sizzling plate of fajitas delivered to their table... It’s what they want.
I feel like I would enjoy getting out of bed more if I only had to do it like 3 times a week. This every day thing is overkill.
I always wear a wedding ring when I go grocery shopping, so everyone thinks my cart full of groceries are for a family of 4 instead of just me
“I’m going to be a little bit late” -people that are going to be very late
Hey, car designers, you have kids, right? How is "limo window partition" between the front and back seat not an option yet?