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Dating Tip: If you eat a magnet and slip another magnet into your date`s drink she`ll never be able to leave you
Every pizza is a personal pizza, if you try hard and believe in yourself.
Guys, if my hair doesn`t look like a birds nest afterward, you`re doing it wrong.
People who walk down the escalator. Stop it, we have enough over achievers!
Say what you want about Captain Hook, but he ran that entire pirating operation singlehandedly.
It`s not often you see a pink poo in your bowl & realize that not everything is edible from the sex shop
You know you`re a bad driver when Siri tells you "after 400 feet stop and let me out"
I don`t understand fat poor people. What are you eating? Broken hopes and dreams?
In about 20 years, that cherry tattoo on your cleavage is gonna look like a pair of raisins and that butterfly you got tatted on back is gonna look like a moth.
I always clench up before I drive into a tunnel because I`m afraid Wile E. Coyote might have just drawn it on there.
I`ll tell you what`s wrong with modern society. Nobody ever drinks out of the skulls of their enemies anymore.
All my life I’ve wanted to learn to juggle. I just never had the balls to do it.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Being a woman should count as a pre-existing mental condition.
Netflix basically has every movie, except for the ones I actually want to watch.