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I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I`m an adult. Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It`s because I`m poor.
I just got the results of my IQ test. It came back negative.
I thought the voices in my head actually liked me until I found out they learned sign language just so they could talk sh*t about me.
I found out why I`m still single. Apparently, you have to go outside and let people see you.
So I ran into an old girlfriend who I dated who`s new boyfriend she was with looked exactly like me when I was seeing her. You know, miserable
My wife told me that her favorite position is when I lay very very still wearing a toe tag and she starts dating again
Not every flower can say love...but a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst...but a cactus did. Not every idiot can read, but look at you go!!!! lol
We can put laser-equipped robots on Mars, but wrinkled dollar bills still don’t work in vending machines?
One day, we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
Running shoes? No, I don`t run. These are my "better hurry up the liquor store is about to close" shoes.
Show me on the back of your mini van window where your life went wrong.
The institutions won`t take me so I am all yours.
If you want to call a family meeting just turn off the wifi router and wait in the room in which it is located
This day needs more yesterday.
Whenever I receive a text saying bahaha, I like to believe you are a sheep on drugs.